I’m not afraid to be me

First of all, I want to take a second to give myself a shout out! The bloganuary prompt came out 23 minutes ago, and I’m writing this now aka as soon as I saw the email! If you don’t know, I’m in China, so these prompts come out at 7pm my time, and I’ve gotten into the swing of writing them the morning after they are published, but not today!

This prompt is pretty hard, and so my answer feels a little like a cop out. It was difficult for me to think of things that I was truly afraid of and have conquered. Most of the things I’m afraid of don’t really affect me enough to be conquered anytime soon. I’m scared of things like roller coasters, but I’d also be happy to never go on one again. I’m also afraid of being abducted, but I think that’s a fair fear. I’m not super afraid of things like heights or flying or public speaking, so I don’t have to cross those off the list, so when it comes down to it, the biggest fear that I conquered was learning to live as Briana, with all the aches and pains wonders that come with being me.

I’ve said it before, and I will likely say it a lot more times, but I know that I am a people pleaser; I’ve also come a long way. I used to care so much what people thought about me, and I wanted people to like me. If I’m honest, I still want those things. I do want to be liked. This works out okay for me, because I happen to be a very likeable person 😉 The biggest shift though, is that I don’t care as much what folks think of me, and that has made all the difference.

I’ve made a lot of decisions and changes in my life that may look weird from the outside. I chose to change jobs (twice!) in the middle of the pandemic. I chose to move out of the United States to China, and constantly got berated with “Why China?” this and “Why China?” that from so many different sides. I even get questions about my life from my students. Every time people question me, I simply get stronger. I’m at a place in my life where I’m happy with who I am, and where I am. Of course, life isn’t perfect, and there’s always things to improve, but I GET to work on my self and improve, and I still get to love me where I am. I haven’t been in this place for long, but I’m so thankful I got here.

This life does not make being yourself easy. There are so many obstacles that try to beat us down: parents, friends, societal norms that hurt us rather than help us, even our own selves fight against us, terrified of our own potential. It is not easy to claw our way out, but I think it is so so SO worth it.

Sometimes, I’m still a little scared of myself. I’m scared of the Briana that is unencumbered, ready and waiting to take on the world. I am terrified of what she can do if given the chance. Even if I’m scared, when it really comes down to it, I’m more scared of holding her back. I’m here to become the best Briana I can be, so I have to be willing to see what I can do, no giving up, no holding back.