Things I’ve learned in the past 12 months

Yesterday was my birthday, and I really like my birthday. You could say I’m one of those “birthday” people. I do think my birthday should be celebrated for more than just the day (ideally throughout the month of October), and I’ve always planned my birthday festivities weeks if not months in advance.

This birthday was different. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have my people. In a lot of ways it was the perfect culmination of the mess that was my 26th year, arguably the hardest, most dynamic, and most trying year that I’ve been on this planet. As it so happens with these kinds of years, I’ve learned quite a bit, so I’m sharing these little bits in hopes that I remember that fought through the struggle and came out on top.

You can always make a new decision.

As someone who struggles with decision making (every small choice feels like it will change the trajectory of my entire life), the idea that I can make a new decision is so comforting for me. I’m scared to make the wrong decision because I don’t want to be stuck in: a job I don’t like, the rain, a bad relationship, a roach house, whatever lemons life decides to throw at me. I’ve learned though, that even if I make a decision that led to consequences I didn’t like, guess what? I can’t change the past, but I can decide again. I can choose again. I can try again.

Sometimes there will be trade offs, but that’s to be expected. Life is full of them.

There are only, like three, really important jobs.

Most people don’t have them but so many people think they do. I think I’ll elaborate more on this later because I’m still figuring out how to articulate my thoughts.

I am blessed with the best friends.

I always thought I had great friends; I didn’t just discover that. However, I’ve gotten to dive even deeper into the relationships I have with my friends. I feel like I know them more intimately than I did before. I get to watch them grow and become different humans than the ones they were when I first met them. I get to see them pursue passions and celebrate their wins. I’ve even found myself being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been. I’ve loved getting to fall in love with my friends this year. They make my heart full.

Sometimes you have to sit with it.

Ugh, this one hurts. This one is so hard to swallow. Sitting with pain is probably one of the most difficult parts of being human. I’ve learned it’s necessary for us to delve deeper into the person we are. That isn’t to say that we need pain to grow. I hate the notion that we cannot learn what it means to be human without someone hurting us, that we have to toughen up before the world gets to do it for us. However, because it will come, pain can teach us about ourselves.

It doesn’t always. A lot of the time we try to ignore it and tell ourselves we’re over the words they said or the things they did, but while we tell ourselves lies, we let it fester. That never works out well.

This year I’ve cried a ton. I’ve cried for the Briana I was and the Briana I hoped I’d be. I’ve cried about the Briana I am now trying her hardest to make heads or tails of the life she’s been given, and I’ve cried about the Brianas I’ll never get to be. I’ve cried for my friends and for strangers whose stories I’ve read. I think this year a lot of things I’ve allowed to fester decided that it’s time to be set free. So many things broke as a result, but I’ve learned I’m a fixer. I’m a builder. Some days you sit and think and hurt and cry and meditate and pray and seethe and journal and type and walk and sit some more; other days you get to move on even it it’s only a little bit.

Year 26 opened up a lot to me, and I proved a lot to myself. I started this year in a totally different country, a different job, a different apartment, and overall a different headspace than I was in October of last year. I’m proud of me, and I know I’ll never stop learning what Briana’s got in her.