It’s my BIRTHDAY!!!!
Looking back on the past is a frequent past time of mine, so it’s a it surprising that it took me until a couple hours ago (it’s 11:53pm on October 6th) to think back on this past decade. Really look at it. Because as I started to break it down, and think about my life year by year, I realized just HOW much I’ve done in these past ten years. I experienced so many firsts. I probably experienced some lasts that I don’t even know about yet, and I survived it all. In honor of making it all the way here, I wanted to share a tell all (okay tell some) of this past decade. I don’t want anyone to know how old I am, but at this point it’s pretty easy to tell so just forget the ages mentioned as soon as you’re done reading this.
I Went to Cannes
Y’all I went to the Cannes Film Festival, and I totally forgot for a sec!!! The summer after sophomore year, I went on a Maymester called something something French Film and you get to go to Cannes. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to study abroad because I ddidn’t want to have FOMO after missing a semester, so I would go on a Maymester instead. That way, I could get my study abroad itch scratched, and I would still get my full college experience.
I was stuck between a Maymester in China (isn’t life funny?) and France but ended up going with France when my friends also told me they were coming.
Going on the Maymester was dumb in a way. Technically, I couldn’t afford it, so I took out a loan to go (and Vanderbilt was otherwise paid for, so if I didn’t I “should’ve” graduated debt free), but then and now, I thought that money shouldn’t stop me from doing what I want. I’m glad I went. I think going abroad then unlocked the world for me. Going on that Maymester was supposed to stop me from going abroad, but instead, I HAD to go for longer. I think studying abroad empowered me to, years later, be brave enough to take the leap and live abroad. For those reasons, and the memories and so many other things along the way, that Maymester paid for itself tenfold.
I Made a Blog
Then a Website
Then another Website
I go in waves forgetting and remembering how much I enjoy writing.
My First Kiss
Sometimes, I’m embarrassed that I had my first kiss so late in life, so I kept it on the down low. For many people, it’s a teenage rite of passage, but one that I missed out on. I got to it eventually. I think it was what every little girl dreams of: drunkenly, in a frat off campus house, where you eventually find out seven months later it was caught on camera for all to see! Embarrassing!!!!!!! (But makes for a great story I guess…) Now, I’m mostly over the embarrassment, but can’t see that picture without feeling the unique cocktail of cringe and discomfort that experienced that fateful February day when I first learned it existed.
It did serve, in part, to inspire my web series, and it wasn’t a bad kiss, so a win is a win.
I Studied Abroad
Not to be “person who studied abroad and it changed their life”, but I do think that Spring semester studying in the Czech Republic and getting to explore so many different countries radically shaped the way I viewed the world. I liked public transportation in theory, but fell in love when I experienced what it could be like with actual well created and supported infrastructure. I will be a tram girl for the rest of my life!
I learned to take care of myself on my own. While I was abroad, I don’t remember taking any real solo trips. I traveled alone, but usually met up with friends wherever I headed to, but I still developed a sense of independence. Navigating myself and my friends around different cities, having meals alone, even just experiencing my first real winter with a puffy coat, bean boots, and frozen toes helped me learn I’m made of pretty gosh darn stern stuff. No one can take that from me.
The Peep Suite
College was a lot of fun for many reasons, but one of the best parts was getting to live in close quarters with some of the best people. I was very lucky to have great roommates all throughout college, but the Peep Suite was the cherry on top! We got up to so many hijinks, had so much fun ribbing each other, and even got to work through being annoyed with each other. I love those ladies so much I wrote a whole post about them before, but I don’t know where it is oops.
If you want to know which member of the peep suite you are, I was going to post a link here, but I have no idea how to find it again.
I Wrote and Filmed a Web Series
For the CMA major (which, for the record, I think calling the film major Cinema and Media Arts is peak Vandy pretension), we had to do a senior project. For mine, I decided to do a web series. I liked comedy and wanted to make something like a sitcom, so the web series was born. When I was making it, I HATED IT. It didn’t look like I wanted it to look. I hated my acting. I thought people in my class were going to make fun of me because it was so bad. I didn’t give myself any credit.
Last year, I stumbled on “One Last Time” in my Google Drive, so of course I had to watch it. Yes, parts of it were pretty amateur. My acting wasn’t the best, and maybe I would’ve done things differently, but it’s a THING! It exists and I created it! I am so proud to have that little piece of work to show myself that I could do it. I want to do it again!
I Graduated College!
I had a lot of fun at Vandy. I joined a sorority. I studied abroad. I went to SO many football games! I also struggled. It was HARD. I remember chatting with one of my friends post grad about who knows what and I brought up SOMETHING about sophomore year, maybe going to the PCC or something related, and she said “Oh yeah, sophomore year was when everyone was suicidal.” It’s not a joke, but it’s funny because I sure did have my safe friend or whatever.
Vandy was a place where so many things were happening all the time. I was juggling working, school (with a double major and a minor), and trying to be a part of all the things. I don’t know if I could go back as this Briana and manage the way I managed back then, and that’s okay. We made it out and through. (now everyone’s going to grad school and I feel like a dummy because I haven’t (yet?))
The Great American Post Grad Road Trip
What a fun trip! What an adventure! I should be able to go on a trip with my friends every year! It should be illegal that we haven’t done it again!
The summer after graduation, I got to go with Annie, Rani, and Sam on a pseudo road trip from Seattle to Vancouver to Portland, and finally ending in San Francisco. I got to touch the Pacific Ocean for the first time, chew gum off that gum wall, drive through a Redwood tree. Ugh! I want to sleep in the same bed as my friends every night and annoy them and walk way from the group for isolation time for the good of our friendship!!! Is that too much to ask? I didn’t think so!
I had so many fun travels: With my sister, with Amanda, with new friends from China. I CRAVE more.
I Started my First Big Girl Job!
I remember feeling so bad about myself senior year when everyone was getting jobs before we even started the school year, and I was holding on to my plans to go into TV, getting no bites for internships, and being so scared of the future.
I don’t remember what got me to apply for Teach for America. I know I was feeling a little lost in the job search. I remember liking their message and goals. I also remember hearing all the negatives about them, but I applied. Almost a year later, I was starting my first day of school in rural Alabama.
Those TFA years were rough. I didn’t like living in rural America. Teaching was HARD. Juggling students with strong personalities, trying to reach and teach certain standards, and never feeling like I had enough time didn’t make things easier. Being there taught me a lot though. I don’t know that I realized HOW TRULY SYSTEMIC racism could be. It’s rooted so deeply in the foundation of the country that it seeps into everything.
When I finished my second year, I thought I’d never teach again. Life.
My First Boyfriend
Similar to the first kiss shebang, I was equally late in being in a relationship for the first time. I don’t know that I necessarily look back on this relationship fondly. Sorry. I do think that we got to do some fun things together. We had a lot of adventures, all over Alabama, across the U.S., and around the world, all the way to Turkey. I was in love, and now have it set in my head that I need to have two weddings because I thought I’d have that.
I learned some of the things I enjoy about being in a relationship, things like having a buddy you can easily convince to do stuff with you, having someone to help me make decisions, and feeling really cared about. These aren’t unique to romantic relationships, but I learned what they look like in that context.
I also learned some things I didn’t like. Feeling insecure about my relationship (turns out that was with good reason), long distance, feeling hidden. I want to be loved out loud.
My First Heartbreak
This whole reflection seems to keep coming back to the idea of me being embarrassed about something at the time and now feeling more okay about it. In heartbreak, we get to continue that pattern.
After dating for two and a half years, I learned that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Even now, thinking back to that whole situation feels gutting. I think one of the things that harmed me the most is that I felt like I completely lost my sense of trust in my own self and my own mind. It was so hard for me to reconcile that this guy would look at me and tell me he loved me and talk to me about our life together and just be lying to me, and I didn’t realize at all.
Then, I started to think of the things I DID realize. I wasn’t being needy and superficial for feeling bad that he didn’t share any pictures of us on social media. Having weird gut feelings weren’t random. I heard this quote about how the greatest disservice we do to ourselves is talking ourselves out of our intuition, and I learned to be better to mine.
I can’t pretend this didn’t break me. It’s still a really painful thing for me to think about and look back on. It’s been a little over four? years, and I am still very intentionally single (I will say since my last bday I have been thinking about going on dates, but alas, I’m in China, and I don’t think this is the right place for me to do that), but I am not the Briana who couldn’t eat for days after finding out, and for the progress I’ve made, I am grateful.
I Moved across the World
I LIVE IN CHINA! That’s still so odd to think about sometimes. Not only do I live in China though, I have lived in China for more than three years. I’ve survived. I’ve thrived. I’ve gotten to explore Asia in a way that wasn’t even on my radar in the beginning of this decade of life.
There are so many hard parts about living in China. As a Black girl who spent most of my formative years growing up in predominately white areas, I’m used to being the only, but it’s SO amplified here. A lot of times I’m alone. I miss a lot of my friend’s moments. I missed my best friend’s wedding. I get so frustrated that I can’t eat what I want. People take pictures of me constantly. I can’t relax without being surveyed. It sucks.
But it’s also SOOOOO good. I get to prove to myself every day that I can create whatever life I want. I’m learning Mandarin! I get to do lots of improv. I’m reading and visiting coffee shops and traveling to Thailand, then Vietnam, twice in the same year like it’s nothing. I have time. I have funds. I have a lot of freedoms.
I miss the U.S. so much, and I can’t wait to be back, but I’m soaking up every moment of my life in China because it’s only for now, and I know I’ll miss it when it’s gone.
I Lost Friends
I always heard about friendship break ups and was so thankful it wasn’t something I’d experienced. I’ve grown apart from people sure, either moving away or changing classes, and I think that starts very young, at least for most of us. But, I’d never experienced conversations where things were quite so definitive. It’s a different kind of heart break, probably worse in lots of ways than a romantic relationship (especially for me who is in love with all my friends).
It’s tough. I’m still reckoning, and maybe in another decade, I’ll look back and see how things were falling into place.
I Joined an Improv Group (then another! Then started one!)
I’ve loved comedy for a long time, and I think seeing live improv in high school was my first foray into wanting to “do comedy” somehow (it’s so fun seeing how the foundations were laid when you take a look back).
In college, I auditioned for the improv group on campus. I was so bad, even thinking back now, it was so cringey, and I think one of the biggest reasons was that I was TOO worried about what people thought of me. I wanted to be cool enough and liked enough, and this is not just related to improv, but just in so many aspects of my life. That was no way to live, and I’m glad I’m slowly growing out of it.
I still liked improv, and when I was interning before senior year, summer 2017, I took my first improv class at Highwire Comedy in Atlanta (I also hit my first car in their parking lot. Awful). I loved the class, my group, and had so much fun learning.
Fast forward to March 2024, I decided to take an improv 101 class again, this time with TBC Hong Kong. Once again it was the time of my life! My group was so cool, full of the funniest people, and I kept getting more and more into the scene in Hong Kong, going to jams, seeing shows, I was trying to get improv in any form.
Taking that class and doing all the improv activities made me feel like I was a GOOD improvisor. When auditions rolled around for Domesticated Humans, a long form group in Shenzhen, I didn’t count myself out. I hadn’t been a huge long form fan, but I loved the idea of being in a group. I tried out, got in, and had a lot of laughs.
I started hosting jams in Shenzhen, bringing people together and getting to have so much fun meeting people and playing people. Hosting jams made me realize how much I missed short form, and I wanted to bring it back to Shenzhen (we had a group that kinda just went away when one of the people went back to the U.S.). Then I realized, I could try it. I could figure it out, and I did.
At the same time, auditions for a group in HK happened. I wanted to go to try to hone my audition chops. I remembered how cringey my college audition was, and I just wanted to do something that scared me because I thought all the TBC people were really cool, and I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of them by being bad. I even messaged someone in the group, asking if I could audition just for funsies, but I live in Shenzhen and couldn’t actually do it. Then I got in. Fast forward and see me, going to rehearsals every week and having my first show with TBC last month.
Momma I Made It
I made it to a new decade. There were people I know along the way who didn’t get to make it here, and I don’t know why I get to be here and they don’t. I do know that I will not, cannot, REFUSE to take it for granted.
There were plenty of things I didn’t do. I’m not married or even in a relationship. No kids, no house, and I’ve had like 8 jobs in 10 years. I’ve cried a lot, and it’s been ugly. I’ve been hurt a lot, and chances are high I’ve hurt people too.
Still, there’s so much that I’ve gotten to do that have created this peculiar, marvelous package that I go through life in. I’m so smart and funny and silly and joyful and thoughtful and loving, and I like myself at least half the days. Every little step of my life has been laid out in such a weird and wonderful way. I’m thankful I get to have so much fun.
Here’s to the next ten years. I have a good feeling about you.
